Trudging the Road

Keeping it simple

2006-08-27T18:54:00.000-07:00

I am still soooooo busy with work. Blogging continues to suffer. I decided to keep it simple and just view and comment and make a quick entry until. Reminds me of a story I heard at a meeting which I will relay in a future post ;)

Gratitude

Sunday morning ... no hangover
Sirloins on the grill

2006-08-19T08:53:00.000-07:00

I am off to the Saturday morning meeting. I heard reports of massive traffic jams in and around the meeting hall this morning... must be the awesome speaker they have planned for today (guess who LOL). I used to look forward to speaking (when nobody asked). Now they ask sometimes and I don't look forward to it. Of course my fascist sponsor would have me put in AA prison if I declined so I would never consider saying no. The prankster in me want's to just tell em' "Bills Story" and see if they notice.

Seriously I am always grateful to be asked to participate in AA ... and besides, speaking is less physical work than setting up ;)

I went to dinner with my daughter, grand daughter and her father last night. We went to TGI Fridays'. I swear there was an over abundence of unaccompanied women there. My daughter suggested I take my grand daughter around the place and find her a nice grandmother. She enjoys busting my stones.

I'm still working too much but it is considered amends untlil the end of August... kind of like THIS . Just keep trudgin'

Gratitude:

I have a job
Being asked to do stuff (anything) in AA
I didn't hit on drunk potential grandmom's in TGI Friday's :p
I'm the coolest youngest lookin' "pop-pop" I know :-) <--- momentary lapse of humility

Too Busy ... and I'll pass on the shrooms dude

2006-08-15T14:57:00.000-07:00

It's been said that if you're too busy to make a meeting you're probably too busy. I haven't missed any of my regular meetings, but I have been too busy at work and have had to lay off the blogging unfortunately.

I am short handed and the trip back east, buried me. I am still digging out. I have been doing some work at home, but that needs to come to an end. I generally don't make a meeting on Tuesday, but I think I will tonight.

In related news ... why spend all that time working steps and stuff. The Economist Magazine of all places reports (sorry premium content) that researchers have determined that people who take "magic mushrooms" have legitimate spiritual experiences ... AND for months afterwards report increased satisfaction and improved outlook on life. The Shroomies are no doubt tickled pink and purple and yellow and blue with the free publicity.

Anyway ... I knew it was coming. Toward the end of the article was the requisite claim that this research could have application in the treatment of Drug Addiction and Alcoholism. HaaaaHaaaa!! (note the use of double exclamation marks). And those old timers thought AA has changed now. Wait till the newcomers start rollin' up in here fresh off their detox trips.

Gratitude:
No time for that now ... I'll get back to you. ;)

Health
God's Grace
Brushing my teeth in the morning (with my own toothbrush no less)
Going to sleep at night (with my own pillow no less)
I get my spiritual awakening the old fashioned way ... first I hit bottom, spend years in pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization, stoop so low as to go to "AA", bang my head against the wall, drink coffee, smoke cigarettes, talk crap, finally get a sponsor, listen to crap, work steps, balk, work more steps, balk some more, make others work steps, listen to them balk, one day turn around and say "hey this ain't so bad ... in fact it's pretty cool"... No, I'll pass on the shrooms dude :)

Jetlag

2006-08-04T23:32:00.000-07:00

Sunset over the bay Sea Isle City NJ

Sunrise over the Atlantic, Sea Isle City NJ

I am back from the east coast. Friday afternoon I am standing in the TSA security line at PHL listening to a 3 year old scream non-stop at the top of his lungs ... I mean non-stop as in he just kept screaming and screaming and screaming almost without breathing.

12 days of high 90's, 110% humidity and a broken AC unit at the office and I just want to get back to Phoenix and cool off. I pity the poor folks who have to be on the plane with the little screaming banshee... Haahaaaa ... turns out that would be self pity! The little brat is going to Phoenix too. He proceeded to scream for 5 hours until the plane landed at which time he finally shut his yap. I think half the passangers wanted to punch the poor mom in the nose for not taking a more proactive approach to family planning. Fortunately I had my headphones and my serenity prayer ;)

Work went so-so, I got to do some visiting and make some meetings at the old home group which was all good. I also got to visit my first sponsor down the Jersey Shore which was nice. We have no ocean in Phoenix ... lot's of beach but no ocean.

I don't know why this combination of signs caught my attention but it did ... prolly' some Freudian thing.

My jetlag is kicking in big time so the gratitude list is short:

Low Humidity
I'm Sober
An abundance of God's beutiful gifts (if I just slow down long enough to enjoy them) and yes that includes screaming 3 year olds :-)

There's No Place Like Home(group)

2006-07-25T15:34:00.000-07:00

I went to a meeting at the place I got sober last night. It is a clubhouse. Sometimes I wonder how I ever got sober in that place. It is literally insane at times.

Members would get kicked out of other groups in the area and come to our group and become trusted servants LOL. Fortunately there were a couple guys that were all about getting "SOBER" sober through the steps. I especially thank God for those people.

When I would get sick of this place and some of my friends stopped going, I always remember those guys who probably could have gone to the “less toxic” meetings but instead took the time to come back and carry a message of hope to a place where there was little.

So last night a fellow chaired the meeting who I will not even attempt to describe other than to say he has been sober a long time but is borderline insane and not so borderline obnoxious. Rather than give a 3 minute lead after reading the first step, he decided to tell his 20 minute war story complete with the blood and guts doom and gloom. He eventually talked about “recovery” which amounted to essentially a lecture on how everyone else does sobriety wrong. At one point some bleeding deacon's intervened from the floor and a shouting match ensued.

I think I felt God leave the meeting.

After a brief break where I enjoyed a large cup bad coffe, the meeting resumed. Actually the 2nd half of the meeting was quite good... glad I didn't quit before the miracle ;-) The new guy got lots of warm welcomes and and free cigarettes … one of the gals gave him a big hug … I’m pretty sure he wanted what she had so I think he will be back.

2006-07-22T14:50:00.000-07:00

Headed out of town first thing in the AM. I've Been real busy getting ready both at work and at home (how did we ever find time to drink).

I did get to take a meeting into a homeless shelter downtown this morning which keeps it real, but not much time for blogging.

I did manage to get most everything done and save time for a date before I leave town. I just rembered I have stuff from the library that has to be returned before I leave though ... oh well First Things First ;)

I am hoping I can find time for blogging a bit while away. It is mostly business, but I will get to meet with some old friends and family and of course meetings. And there are those couple of amends to make while back home.

Gratitude:

But for the grace of God
My job
My family who are looking forward to seeing me and me them
Page 84 thru 88

Small Gifts & Big Memories

2006-07-19T07:28:00.000-07:00

I was looking through some "stuff" and enjoying the memories.

I don't know if "Len" is sober ... but one night (while drunk) he gave me a copy of the "Daily Reflections" and scrawled in it that he was really going to try to stay sober. Maybe he is sober somewhere ??????

The first guy I ever took through the 3rd step gave me this 10 years later.

A guy I sponsored (and a very good friend) gave me this when I moved accross the country 2 years ago.

Gratitude:

Sobriety
The paths God has allowed me to cross and the people traveling them
AA
That by taking these pics I realized how badly my book shelf needs dusting

Thoroughly Followed Our Path

2006-07-17T07:18:00.000-07:00

I was hiking the other night at sundown. I was nearing the last leg of the mountain path I was traveling. It occured to me that if I stayed on the path, I would be back to my car in 5 minutes or so.

The "path" leads to sobriety, peace and being usefully whole ... off the path ... hike at my own risk. Off the path are snakes, scorpions and various other creatures of the night that do not have my best interest in mind ... on the path ... a proven means to the desired end.

I am grateful that the path has been created and that if I simply stay on it I can enjoy the view as I travel. God willing and with a little willingness on my part, no search & rescue parties will be needed for me today.

Persist

2006-07-13T08:28:00.000-07:00

"Both you and the new man must walk day by day in the path of spiritual progress. If you persist, remarkable things will happen. When we look back, we realize that the things which came to us when we put ourselves in God's hands were better than anything we could have planned. Follow the dictates of a Higher Power and you will presently live in a new and wonderful world, no matter what your present circumstances!" -BB p.100

I grateful for:

The Snooze Button

Burning Desires, Gratitude & AM Pipe Dreams

2006-07-12T13:27:00.000-07:00

I really had some nasty cigarette cravings today "burning desires" I suppose. I ate a small lunch and went for a 15 minute walk (it's about 110°F out so the smoke is not very appealing at this point.) I am hunkered down in the office with a Banana, an apple, a box of "Ice Breakers" gum and a whole afteroons worth of work now. Of course it was "bring God to work day" again today, so he is close by.

It may sound silly, but I have an mp3 of Louis' Armstrong singing What a Wonderful World (mp3) on my PC desktop. When I get a craving at work, I double click it. The song just seems to fill me with gratitude and reminds me what a shame it would be to cut short my time in my "Wonderful Sober World" ... Of course an attitude of gratitude is what keeps it a wonderful world. Sometimes I take a quick peek at the Phototrail thing here on the blog too which gives me an extra shot of gratitude.

I am helping another temporary sponsee with a 4th/5th step tonight, and my home group meeting is tomorrow. My sponsor, who has a year less than me (yes that may have been my ego) , will be getting a cake ... I'm thinking it might be good for his ego to receive his 11 year chip as a hand me down from a sponsee :P (that would be me). Either my out door meeting or a possible date on Friday (lets not go there today though) ... what's the point ... simply that life is pretty full of good stuff at the moment ... and it is conducive to maintaining my mental, spiritual and physical health. I know this won't always be possible so I am really trying to be grateful for it every day.

Speaking of which, if you haven't seen the Johnny Cash "Hurt" Video (below) give it a watch. This is a really special day... it's called TODAY.

We have a visitor staying at the house from back east (a friend of my daughters). No problems with that, but between the visitor and myAA stuff, I can't get a hike in until at least Friday. MC (Anonymous Alcoholic) with her incessant blogging about early morning workouts (j/k MC please keep it up ;) ) has inspired me to make an attempt to actually get up tomorrow waaaaaayyyyy to effin' early and get a Hike in before work. I guess I can fill my water bottle with coffee ????

Vegas odds on this actually happening are currently about 99 to 1 against.

Tune in tomorrow for either a beautiful sunrise picture or a story of how I took my alarm clock in best out of 3 falls.

I'm really grateful:

I haven't smoked today
My health
My one smoking co-worker is keeping his smoking away from me
The other smoking co-worker quit last week
Total strangers who inspire me by sharing their "stuff" and in the process become a little less "stranger-er" er .... you get the point.
I am proud of my daughter
I can play mp3's on my computer
I had 12 step work yesterday and today
I am eating healthier and have broken the 200 pound mark (goal is 190) BTW, this is the first time I have actually watched my weight since I wrestled in high school.
For fathers day, my mom bought me this cool electronic scale that measures weight, body fat and other bad news and I am actually using it.

Hey my cravings are gone !!

Hump Day Alky-Track - "Sunday Morning Coming Down" / "Hurt"

2006-07-12T00:00:00.000-07:00

While looking for the "Sunday Morning" video, I found "Hurt" to round out a decidely somber Double Shot of Johnny Cash this week.

"Sunday Morning Coming Down" (VIDEO)
It's a lonley disease.

"Hurt" (VIDEO)
This is just one of the most hauntingly intense performances I have seen or heard.

Sunday Morning Coming Down

Well I woke up Sunday morning
With no way to hold my head, that didn't hurt
And the beer I had for breakfast wasn't bad
So I had one more for dessert
Then I fumbled in my closet through my clothes
And found my cleanest dirty shirt
Then I washed my face and combed my hair
And stumbled down the stairs to meet the day

I'd smoked my mind the night before
With cigarettes and the songs I'd been pickin'
But I lit my first and watched a small kid
Playin' with a can that he was kicking
Then I walked across the street
And caught the Sunday smell of someone's fryin' chicken
And it took me back to somethin'
That I'd lost somewhere, somehow along the way

On a Sunday morning sidewalk
I'm wishing Lord that I was stoned
'Cause there's something in a Sunday
That makes a body feel alone
And there's nothin' short of dyin'
That's half as lonesome as the sound
Of a sleepin' city sidewalk
And Sunday mornin' comin' down

In the park I saw a daddy
With a laughin' little girl who he was swingin'
And I stopped beside a Sunday school
And listened to the songs they were singin'
Then I headed down the street
And somewhere far away a lonely bell was ringin'
And it echoed thru the canyon
Like the disappearing dreams of yesterday

On a Sunday morning sidewalk
I'm wishing Lord that I was stoned
'Cause there's something in a Sunday
That makes a body feel alone
And there's nothin' short of dyin'
That's half as lonesome as the sound
Of a sleepin' city sidewalk
And Sunday mornin' comin' down

HURT

I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel.
I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real.
The needle tears a hole, the old familiar sting.
Try to kill it all away, but I remember everything.
What have I become? My sweetest friend.
Everyone I know,goes away in the end.
And you could have it all, my empire of dirt.

I will let you down, I will make you hurt.

I wear this crown of thorns, upon my liar's chair.
Full of broken thoughts, I cannot repair.
Beneath the stains of time, the feelings disappear.
You are somewhere else. I am still right here.

What have I become? My sweetest friend.
Everyone I know, goes away in the end.
And you could have it all, my empire of dirt.

I will let you down. I will make you hurt.

If I could start again, a million miles away.
I would keep myself. I would find a way.

Gratitude, Beurocracy and Booze

2006-07-11T10:41:00.000-07:00

Today I am grateful for many things but especially that I am not an active alky in Russia.

Whine all you like ... there's no booze in Moscow

Monday July 10, 2006
By Andrew Osborn

MOSCOW - Buying a bottle of whisky in Moscow has become mission impossible. Shelves once full of imported wine, increasingly popular in the booming capital, have been swept clear.

Could vodka, Russia's national drink, be next?

Famed for their hard drinking, Russians are facing the country's most serious alcohol shortage in 20 years ... (more)

To our brothers and sisters in Moscow who might be ready ... Будет упование (there is hope).

Tell me why (I don't like Mondays)

2006-07-10T13:05:00.000-07:00

Not a bad Monday ...

I usually just kind of "get through" Monday. God says that is wasting 1/7th of my week... I think God said it ... anyway, I decided I will buy Baegals on Monday mornings for the office ... we usually do snacks on Thursday. Don't ask me what baegals has to do with not emotionally wasting Mondays ... I guess I figured that:
1) It is kind of like doing a small piece of service work at the office.
2) I really like baegals.

I haven't mentioned that became a non-smoker recently... this afternoon has been particularly difficult for that ... maybe I will have another Baegal and ask God to remove the obsession.

I went Hiking last night at sundown. I see these two girls jogging up the same path that I had just struggled to walk up ... they were not even breathing hard ... all chipper and hahahaha Thanks to AA, I did NOT push them off the side of the mountain. (I was probably too tired anyway) I'm so spiritual :p

While standing at a lookout point, I saw a guy and his 2 kids pointing off into the distance. I asked what was up, and they said the Space Shuttle would be visable in a few minutes. It finally came along. It just looked like a big star really but moving accross the sky.

The kids were about 9 or 10. I love kids, especially other people's at that age ... the one Kid says "this reminds me of when I saw Mars". The other kid says "Yeah well did you ever see Uranus (pronouncing it YOUR-anus of course). The other kid says "Yeah I hear it's nice this time of year". I am easily entertained.

I picked up a second temporary sponsee at the 12 step workshop yesterday so I will be doign 2 4th/5th steps this week... being AA busy is usually good for me though.

2 Weeks until I go back east for 12days ... mostly work, but some visiting with friends and family and a day at the Jersey Shore.

I like my sober life... I never thought that would be possible... I honestly thought it would just have to be endured... I love it when AA proves me wrong!

"It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment only leads to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic whose hope is the maintenence and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinately grave... we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the spirit, the insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again." BB p. 66

Trust God, CLEAN HOUSE & Help Others

2006-07-08T14:40:00.000-07:00

I had a nice date last night. Had Breakfast with my sponsor today and went to a morning meeting ... speaker told my story, topic was 3rd step. Going to a 2nd meeting tonight ... "As Bill Sees It" When I'm off the beam I don't really care how Bill sees it ;) I am looking forward to the meeting tonight though.

Any way, I am getting motivated to spend several hours cleaning around the house today... oh yeah /sarcasm ... I'm almost there. We have a guest coming in town for a week and I was looking around thinking why is cleaning my actual house any less important than cleaning my "AA house" ... so here we go.

"NEXT (immediately following as in sequence and time) we set out on a course of vigorous action, the first step of which is a personal housecleaning..." - BB P63

D8 2nite

2006-07-07T07:38:00.000-07:00

I have a date tonight. She seems nice enough, but is not in the program which always leaves that certain awkwardness regarding "so why is it you don't drink?". That question on a first date sort of reminds me of pulling on a loose sweater string. It is difficult to find an end to it.

I think I will order steak.

I hope this is unrelated to the date, but todays reading ...

From "24 Hours A Day" for today:

Meditation for the Day

Painful as the present time may be, you will one day see the reason for it. You will see that it was not only testing, but also a preparation for the life work, which you are to do. Have faith that your prayers and aspirations will some day be answered. Answered in a way that perhaps seems painful to you but is the only right way. Selfishness and pride often make us want things that are not good for us. They need to be burned out of our natures. We must be rid of the blocks, which are holding us back, before we can expect our prayers to be answered.

Prayer for the Day

I pray that I may be willing to go through a time of testing. I pray that I may trust God for the outcome.

Hump Day Alky-Track - "The Devil's Real"

2006-07-05T06:40:00.000-07:00

A couple years ago, a friend in the program turned me on to Chris Smither. If you haven't heard him, he is a folk/blues singer songwriter who took hiatus in the late 70's and early 80's. After recovering from alcoholism, much of his writing took on a deeper, spiritual tone. I love the lyrics to this song. The last 3 lines remind me of steps 3 thru12.

You can hear a short sound clip of him playing this song live HERE (real audio)

The Devil’s Real Chris Smither

The Devil ain’t a legend, the Devil’s real,
In the empty way he touched me where I hardly feel,
The empty hole inside me,
The nothin’ that could ride me
Down into my grave. It does not heal.
The nothin’ is a something that can suck you dry
As the whisper you can hardly hear that tells you why.

He told me, “You ain’t got no problem, you’re self-deceived.
These seeming contradictions are all make-believe.”
It was then that I decided that my life was being guided
By a second-rate dependence on first-class thieves
They told me I was breaking through when I was breaking down,
By the time I learned the difference they had long left town.

But they ain’t so malicious, they ain’t mean.
They just vaguely well-intentioned with no love I’ve seen
It’s the emptiness that kills you,
Cold comfort that can fill you
With a sense of dread that maybe things are worse than they seem.
They don’t tell you nothin’ that you don’t already know.
They keep holdin’ out the promise, but they don’t let go.

It was hard luck and trouble, bad times too.
I know I had it comin’, but I got through.
It was advice that you gave me
In a dream that saved me.
You said, “Get a new life-contract that spells out your dues.”
Took good will to find it, a clear conscience to sign it,
Now I dream about the good times and they all come true.

Happy 4th of July

2006-07-04T11:10:00.000-07:00

the facts seem to be these: "The more we become willing to depend on a higher power, the more independent we actually are." 12 & 12 p. 36

"True ambition is the deep desire to live usefully and walk humbly under the grace of God." 12 & 12 p. 124-125

BB workshop added to TtR web

2006-07-03T13:47:00.000-07:00

I have added the Big Book workshop to trudgingtheroad.com. You can link to it HERE
There is a pdf version of the written materials available on the workshop page.

Baby in Black

2006-07-02T07:06:00.000-07:00

I bought my grandaughter a new bib. She is now the world's cutiest Johnny Cash fan (IMHO).

12 Step Workshop today.

Taking the family out for breakfast this morning.

I woke up to a "tap tap tap" sound on my roof. My grand daughter's father was up on the roof already fixing the shingles. (it can rain now).

I talked to quite a few friends on the phone yesterday and went to a new meeting. Then we had the real meting for 2 hours at the diner afterward.

S A D

2006-07-01T13:46:00.000-07:00

I got some sad news today. I just heard a friend who I got sober with back east died.

10 years sober he picked up and spent the past 2 years struggling to get, and stay back in the program. He was a super guy and a great ball player ... when he got sober he used to tell people he played "double A" ball now... but alcoholism killed him. He hung himself.

If you want to keep his family in your prayers, his name was John.

~ CLICK ~

No Rain ! - thank God

2006-07-01T08:16:00.000-07:00

The monsoon season is almost here. The other night we had a lot of wind and some of the shingles departed from the roof. I went to Lowes 2 nights ago and bought a bundle of shingles planning to fix the roof today. Last night, the winds and lightning came and I thought for sure the rain was coming any minute. As it turned out the rain never came.

I am quite pleased with God's weather plans.

Update: After reading yesterdays daily piglet I decided to look up my Horoscope on Yahoo!

"Quickie:
Something needs your attention to stay on course now. Maintenance is the key."

I'm thinking this has to do with the roof :p

A new cycle of a Big Book step workshop is beginning Sunday. It's a 12 steps in 4 weeks deal I am looking forward to taking someone through the steps. Week 1 , Week 2 , Week 3 , Week 4

I am grateful:

My living room is dry.
that no matter how far down the scale we've gone I can see how our experience can benefit others.
for a loooooong weekend.

Here's the view of the city from the Friday night "Mountain High" group:

Freedom & Flight Limited By Nothing

2006-06-30T16:10:00.000-07:00

My grand daughter was wide awake and all smiles when I left for work today which makes for a nice beginning.

Made a couple of amends today.It went well and I am happy about that. Some very specific requests were made which I agreed to. I am glad to have an opportunity to "do" something for this person.

Going to my Friday outdoor, mountainside meeting. Sometimes we bring guitars and make noise before the meeting ... on this day however I am hoping to go early and get a short hike instead. In any case I think I will bring my camera.

I don't know what to say about the Jonathan Livingston theme except I was feeling kind of enlightened in a retro 70's sort of way lol.

1/2 nAAked - Waiting 2 B Discovered :-)

2006-06-29T23:07:00.000-07:00

Off to my meeting ...

2006-06-29T17:45:00.000-07:00

I am leaving for my Mens Stag meeting. The following sign hangs on the podium at the meeting:
After the meeting ... Starbucks. There is a liberal whining policy at Starbucks.

The Beginning of the End ... Again

2006-06-28T23:24:00.000-07:00

"Whenever our pencil falters, we can cheer ourself by remembering what AA experience has meant to others. It is the begining of the end of isolation from our fellows and from God." - 12 & 12 p. 82

Oh cheer... My 8th Step list is now neatly arranged on index cards. I considered typing them and maybe re-typing them ... anything to put off actually making the damned amends. Although I did go to an institution yesterday to begin a certain amend ... It is a bit embarrasing to admit that I did the same wrong 12 years sober that I did when drinking. And found myself going through the same amends process. There is one group of amends that I am having particular difficulty becoming willing. There is this little voice too ... you know the one. It says I could probably skip some of them. It's the same one that says I can go to one meeting a week and keep the important shit to myself.

Semi-related ... I am really enjoying the sober blogs here. A few of the bloggers I visited have been kind enough to visit here and make me feel very welcome. I read an awesome post at coffe bitch today about challange and fear. I related it to something else I heard on the radio today. I think it was some financial guy who said it, but I am pretty sure it was God sending me a message ;p he said "fear can often carry you further than courage ... just in the wrong direction".

Some stuff I'm grateful for:

My grand daughter is awesome.
My daughter is being pretty responsible these days and doing a wonderful job as a mom, I am proud of her.
My mens stag meeting is tomorrow ... I made a committment 6 weeks ago to attend every week ... so far so good.
I have off for the holiday from Friday until Wednesday.

Hump Day Alky-Track - "However Much I Booze"

2006-06-28T01:55:00.000-07:00

In my teenage years I was a huge fan of The Who. For whatever reason I did not listen to them as much as an adult until I was sober a few years. By then CD's were the standard and I had no way to play the old LP's. It was several more years before I got around to replacing "By Numbers" with a CD. This deep cut could have been my theme song when I was racing to my bottom and hearing it sober for the first time gave me chills. This weeks Alky Cut ... (insert fanfare music - Ta Daaaaa) However Much I Booze by the Who!

I see myself on T.V., I'm a faker, a paper clown
It's clear to all my friends that I habitually lie; I just bring them down
I claim proneness to exaggeration
But the truth lies in my frustration
The children of the night, they all pass me by
Have to drench myself in brandy
In sleep I'll hide
But however much I booze
There ain't no way out
I don't care what you say, boy
There ain't no way out

I lose so many nights of sleep worrying about my responsibilities
Are the problems that screw me up really down to him or me
My ego will just confuse me
Some day it's going to up and use me
Dish me out another tailor-made compliment
Tell me about some destiny I can't prevent
And however much I squirm
There ain't no way out
I don't care what you say, boy
There ain't no way out

Won't somebody tell me how to get out of this place?!

Then the night comes down like a cell door closing
Suddenly I realize that I'm right now, I'm on the scene
While sitting here all alone with a bottle and my head a-floating
Far away from the phone and the conscience going on at me
And on at me, and I don't care what you say
There ain't no way out

Now the walls are all clawed and scratched
Like by some soul insane
In the morning I humbly detach myself
I take no blame
I just can't face my failure
I'm nothing but a well fucked sailor
You at home can easily decide what's right
By glancing very briefly at the songs I write
But it don't help me that you know
This ain't no way out
Won't somebody tell me?
I don't care what you say, boy
There ain't no way out

Give me the key, lock it away

There ain't no way out

There is a way out

Broke Step Mountain - why won't this %&!$ing thing work !!?

2006-06-27T16:09:00.000-07:00

For today's entry ... A recent personal experience:

A sponsee once related to me a story in his early sobriety. In his first year sober he sat Christmas morning in a pile of parts and wrapping paper attempting to assemble his kids biggest Christmas Gift. Just as he was ready to take the whole mess outside and throw it in the trash he had this thought ... "maybe I should read the instructions!"

Opening the instructions he saw
"Step 1 - Insert tab A in slot B"
"Step 2 - Install Wheel as shown" ...

In short order the project was complete and everyone was happy. He later relayed the story to me and related it to his unwillingness to work "the" program as our book (and I ) had been suggesting.

Why must I continually learn this same lesson?

After noticing my 11th step wasn't what it used to be (this is roughly defined as the understatement of the year), I began to look around at my AA activity. There were more signs of a guy not in the program than a guy in the program. I am not proud of this but it is true. Minimal service, slacking meeting attendance, not actively sponsoring etc. Now I had plenty of excuses for this which I would have gladly offered to my sponsor except that he had moved and I was not in contact with him. So 6 months of sponsoring myself had left me an AA jelly fish baffled that I was "blocked" after 12 years of very active AA participation. What I had come to describe as "a little of the beam ... maybe", was actually further off the beam than I could have imagined.

I became convinced that if I just got back to praying more all would be well. I soon stood on a mountain top gazing at the sunset wondering why my meditation didn't seem to work anymore. Then Bill Wilson's words in the 12 & 12 hit me hard. In essence he wrote that self examination and prayer and meditation were each good in their own right, but when combined they create an unshakeable foundation for living.

When had I last honestly conducted my evening review as outlined on page 86 of the Big Book? I could not honestly say, but it had to have been months. As Bill W. suggests in the 12 & 12, the results of step 11 without self examination will not be nearly what they could be.

Fortunately for me I had already taken some action, and found myself committed (almost involuntarily) to completing steps 1 through 12 (again) in a workshop environment with my new sponsor. I am currently in Step 9 and prayer and meditation is becoming a real part of my life again rather than an easily forgotten mechanical routine.

I've heard it described as having a "built in forgetter" or as a "re-construction of the ego", whatever the phenomenon, I suppose I am an undisciplined person who would do best to let God discipline me in the simple way outlined in our Book. I remain grateful that I do not have to drink to be reminded that the program works best when we follow the instructions.

Additional note:

BTW, the picture is an actual picture from "Broke Step Mountain" (actually the Mogilon Rim in AZ) taken mere moments after my baffling 11th step experience ... The irony is that it was much later when I realized I did receive guidance and it was perfect ... it was rembering Bill W's comments that said to me in essence "follow instructions dummy". As a former sponsor told me "if you saw a burning bush you would probably piss on it."

trudgingtheroad.com is Baaaack !

2006-06-26T10:15:00.000-07:00

Trudging the Road is back online and now in the blogosphere. In the coming weeks, this blog and the Main Site will be improved and expanded. In keeping with the original theme of the website, I am very excited about the potential to "surely meet some of you as we trudge the road of happy destiny"... may God keep you until then.

I have received several requests to re-start the trudgingtheroad.com site. I decided I would only do so if there was active participation by others. To facilitate this, I will be launching the trudging the road Blog.

The primary purpose of the blog is to create a forum where:

Items of interest to others in recovery can be posted.
Any cool, funny,not cool or not funny stuff related to recovery (or remotely related at times) can be posted for the enjoyment of the rest of the universe.
General topics of recovery from trudgingtheroad & elsewhere can be discussed.
Aniversaries / AA Birthdays can be posted.
Individuals can suggest materials for the trudgingtheroad.com website.
Whatever else our autonomous little minds come up with.
Wednesday is Hump Day Alky-Track day.

New blog entries can be created by any member of the trudgingtheroad blogging team. ANYONE however can (and is encouraged to) comment on blog entries and other comments. The only requirement is a desire to stop drinking.

If you would like to become a trudgingtheroad Blog team member, email me with an introduction and a short note about yourself. All serious requests will be honored. You will receive a blogger invitation and brief general guidelines for blogging.

The Gift of Desperation !

1994-03-23T00:00:00.000-08:00